Coming Out Day

This one almost slipped by me, somehow. Maybe it's because of the sore throat I've been battling all week, the multiple decisions spinning around in my head, and two services I'm trying to pull together on short notice.

It was 12 years ago that I came out to myself, finally admitting in my journal that I was indeed gay. My marriage of 9 years (it would be 10 before the divorce was finalized) was over - how could I justify staying married if I was gay? I had found many justifications to stay in the relationship before that, but this was like a cosmic 2x4 yelling "get out!!!" My kids were young - 5, 6 and 8 - and one of the hardest things I have ever done was to leave that marriage and leave my kids with my ex, knowing at that time in my life that I did not have the tools or the income to support them.

At the same time, Coming Out saved my life. Finally, my episodes of depression with borderline suicidal ideations began to disappear. Finally, I was living my life authentically. I was no longer trying to force myself to live out the dream handed down to me: a husband, kids, a white picket fence, a low-paying "woman's job", doing all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare while the husband did paperwork or left for some meeting in the evening.

I was never happy in my life as a straight woman. I acted as if I was happy when I had the energy to do so. Mostly I was numb.

Coming Out and leaving that marriage was the first part of stepping into my power. I found out who my friends truly were (only 1 stood by me), and I lived on my own for the first time in my life. Decisions were mine to make, not given to me by "the man". I began to recover from the numbness. It was like I was a teenager all over again, drifting through the early years of learning to date, of deciding how much to tell a potential interest (do I tell them about the kids?).

Twelve years later, I have found what I never thought I would have: a wonderful wife, an incredible relationship, a true commitment. And children (now 20, 18 and 17) who have become incredible adults with their own identities, who learned from me to be who they are and not to settle for less than an authentic life.